Rodin at the d'Orsay—that light makes me want to gaff a movie! Gorgeous and it made all the difference
Vincent Van Gogh's The Church at Auvers, sometimes called the church with no doors. This is a beautiful, heartbreaking piece about Vincent's relationship with religion. He wanted to be a priest (like his father) but found the church inaccessible despite attempting that path. Eventually he was able to find a relationship with God via painting and nature.
Henri Matisse
Unfinished Rodin
Still not processing how massive Versailles is—it was important to me to come here because Sofia Coppola's film Marie Antoinette was one of the first movies I ever remember having a deeply profound effect on me as an audience member. Sofia's portrayal of Marie has stayed with me because it was so humanizing, unlike so many other accounts and opinions I'd heard previously.
regretting not bringing a hoodie to europe
glad that I raved about that cheese pastry the other day because the chef came out and gave me the recipetrying to not be this sick so I can go to the cliffs of Dover tomorrow!
in awe of romeo+juliet and the frankenstein ballet we saw this week
sad that last week tonight isn't available in the UK—it's his HOMELAND for crying out loud
still trying to decide if digestives are even good
still waking up at 4AM every night
still so happy to be here!
I came up with a lot of titles for this essay. Here are some of the ones that I could've used:
- On: Creativity
- On: Making Things Anyway
- On: Burning Out
- On: Doing Your Best
- On: Not Settling (for Mediocrity)
- On: Working Harder Than You Would Like to be Working
- Life Would Probably Be Easier if You Never Tried to Improve at Anything But I Think That That Would be a Loss, Here's Why:
I've been thinking about the idea of endeavors lately, especially creative ones. As I'm sure a lot of you have heard, there is a wonderful quote from Ira Glass that talks about not making the quality of {insert whatever creative endeavor} you wish you could, or that you know you're capable of. And I think it's easy to get caught up in that. I'm no stranger to that kind of honest disappointment, when you just know, in your soul, that there are miles to go before you sleep.
This kind of discouragement fosters the most unfair catch-22. You don't want to create things anymore and so, as a result, you won't get any better at creating that thing. Creativity begets creativity. And when you have a drought of creative energy, you don't want to make things anymore. When you don't want to make things anymore, it gets easier to—you guessed it—stop making things. The cure to not wanting to create things? Creating things! (Have you ever heard anything more unfair? ;)
I've been feeling a little bit of a creative drought myself. I have many valid excuses that I could employ to avoid the hard, consistent work that comes with self improvement, in whatever form.
That's a thought that makes me sad. I want to create things, which includes creating myself, by the way. And so I've renewed my efforts in consistently working to closing those gaps, whether the gaps be related to being a better person, writing, cinematography, and one just for me: shooting more personal work—and shooting it on film.
The photograph at the end of this post is one of the first things I ever shot on medium format film. I got my first scans back today. Why is this something that I'm spending time and effort (and money) on? Because it makes me happy. Because it makes me a better person. Because it helps me better understand light. Because I like it.
I think it's easy (myself very, very much included) to let our creative work take the back burner when it gets difficult to continue—when the act of creating something is stretching us beyond where we are comfortable—when we hit a wall, when we have a big gap to overcome. But something that I'm learning (via a lot of trial and error) is that closing that gap is when we grow the most, as an artist and as a human being. And also, that it's worth it.
The joy is in the journey—we just usually spend our sweet time figuring that out.
POST SCRIPT: when I don't feel inspired sometimes I watch this scene from My Best Friend's Wedding (by God! They'll be dancing!) and I drink some tea and then I feel ready to make some things tomorrow. Whatever works, ya know?
The joy is in the journey—we just usually spend our sweet time figuring that out.
POST SCRIPT: when I don't feel inspired sometimes I watch this scene from My Best Friend's Wedding (by God! They'll be dancing!) and I drink some tea and then I feel ready to make some things tomorrow. Whatever works, ya know?
I think that perfectionism is a concept I'm trying to wrap my head around. Well, maybe not perfectionism, but imperfectionism. I'm not a perfectionist, but I set high high standards for myself. Some of which are probably not the most realistic expectations from someone suffering from imperfectionism. Which would be all of us. Because imperfectionism is part of being human. I'm trying to remember that and be kinder to myself. Burning out is no fun.
A final thought. Lately I have been getting even more frustrated at the way I see humanity treating each other. I truly believe that my job here on earth isn't to judge people, it's to love them. I'm working on it—I may not have an issue with loving some of the demographics that are often societally oppressed, but I sure do have a hard time loving people who hate. It's hard to love people who are apathetic. It's hard to love people who don't care. It's hard to love people who hate. I think that hate can be louder—not more powerful than love, but louder. Hate can be screamed but love is best communicated over a lifetime. The best way to teach love is through a life well lived. And sometimes that can be quieter. It can take longer. But we can live our lives well. We have the choice to live our lives with love. And that's a way we can change things. We can change people. We can change everything.
A final thought. Lately I have been getting even more frustrated at the way I see humanity treating each other. I truly believe that my job here on earth isn't to judge people, it's to love them. I'm working on it—I may not have an issue with loving some of the demographics that are often societally oppressed, but I sure do have a hard time loving people who hate. It's hard to love people who are apathetic. It's hard to love people who don't care. It's hard to love people who hate. I think that hate can be louder—not more powerful than love, but louder. Hate can be screamed but love is best communicated over a lifetime. The best way to teach love is through a life well lived. And sometimes that can be quieter. It can take longer. But we can live our lives well. We have the choice to live our lives with love. And that's a way we can change things. We can change people. We can change everything.
The end of the semester is hitting me like a brick wall. If I can make it to April 9th it's gonna be fine, but until then, I'm kind of holding on for dear life and making the title of this post my personal mantra. Here's a photograph of the sunset in February when life was simpler and more beautiful and mostly just less full of deadlines. It's gonna be fine, right?
It's going to be a long week. There are a lot of things on my to-do list and schedule. School deadlines, work photoshoots, and I'm gripping on a production almost every weekend this month.
At least there are a few silver linings.
Last year I bought a Leica on eBay but the price was no guarantee that it worked. I shot a roll of film in early February to find out the verdict. I forgot to wind it up after I was done shooting and I opened the back of the camera for a split second before realizing what I'd done. The whole beautiful roll of portra should've been ruined but I got it developed anyway and apparently cashed in all my good karma because BAM! The image below was the only one with even the slightest light leak. Blessings.
I was just asked today to be the DP for a short film this summer and I'm both honored and ecstatic. This is no small task, but it's a huge opportunity for learning and growth and I could not be more nervous but excited. Please tell me you get this reference because it's my favorite thing.
Follow your heart and live your dreams bbs. You can do it!
